This week, Facebook reminded me of a post I wrote four years ago.  I had been released from the hospital days prior after having my son.  It was one of the happiest days of my life and a pivoting moment that I will never forget.  The picture below is the day I came home. I was happy and nervous about the journey ahead of me. Since I only saw my son a handful of times during the first three weeks of his life, I was now on full-time duty and moving on with life.

Disclaimer: This is an emotional post, but it’s my story and played a major role in me wanting to pursue my passions. I’ve shared some of this already in I Finally Did It. If you want to know more about me, feel free to read it when you have a moment. I’ve edited this post many times and I kept writing stuff after I deleted it… So, I decided to share what was on my heart. I hope it inspires you use your own life as inspiration to begin your journey to live out your dreams too. 

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Facebook Post – May 2, 2013

“Well, I made it through half the week of Motherhood! =) It’s definitely a challenge but I’m excited and blessed to take it on. 

Thank you for all the prayers, thoughts, texts, etc. my family and I received in regards to my recovery. I went to the hospital to deliver our son on Mon. April 8 and was discharged on Fri. April 26 – spending most of that time in ICU and away from my baby.  

Here’s a recap: I delivered through C-section (unplanned); developed an infection in my GI tract called Illeus, which resulted the nurses to insert a Nasal Gastroinstestinal tube (NG tube – inserted through nose and goes to stomach) twice because it was removed too early the first time; had a mild case of pneumonia where I kept spiking a fever; received a second surgery in my abdomen to get cultures and a closer look than the previous x-rays/ct-scans (one of the surgeons suspected it was a uterus infection); a blood transfusion; and much medication along the way.  

Through all the pain and complications, not once did I feel depressed, angry, sorry for myself, cry (other than because of pain), complain, or think “why couldn’t everything been fine and I’d gone home in a couple days like most women.”  I was more frustrated than anything. I never really thought about how easy it is to just get up and go, like the busy body I’ve been the last couple of years, until I couldn’t even turn to my side or get up out of bed without help. But through it all and beyond what my circumstances said, I stayed strong – I prayed and told myself that I was healed and will soon walk out of here. I was in a physical, spiritual, and MENTAL battle. 

After 3 long weeks of being stuck in that small hospital room, I was finally on my way home – with my uterus (one of the docs suggested on a third surgery to remove it) and son in my arms.  Prayer works ya’ll!  If I could’ve ran out of there I would have. LOL.  I’m so thankful and blessed to be able to experience this next chapter of life. 

P.S.  The biggest lesson I learned of it all, is that I’m stronger than I think I am! I truly believe that if I wasn’t, my recovery time would be a lot longer. 

Please continue to keep me and my family in your prayers as I continue to recover and move forward. 

Peace. Love. Blessings.”

I have mixed emotions when I read the old post. As I look back, I WAS angry and frustrated, beyond me not trying to show it. I never pitied myself though. I knew my time wasn’t up yet and couldn’t go out like this. While the medical professionals did their thing to help me, I did everything I could do within my willpower.

Although I could barely move due to having little physical strength and in excruciating pain, I moved around little by little until I could walk. One day I almost fainted as I felt my heart beating out of my chest. They told me the best thing I could do is walk so I could get some oxygen moving through my body. So I did. Every day I got stronger. I used my breathing machine and did exercises like they told me to do.

Eventually, I could walk unassisted and push the monitor along without much help. I still had tubes and other stuff attached to my body for various reasons. I saw many people come and go, while I stayed in ICU. I knew one day mine would come…and it did!

I can feel the strength through my words. I was optimistic and grateful for life. However, over the next 2 years, all of the emotion I blocked out during this time, came out  in other ways. I’d be in tears when a friend asked what happened to me. I had vivid flashbacks of the pain. I still remember the confused, sad, and terrified looks of everyone around me. 

One day, I had to take my son to the ER for a really high fever that wouldn’t come down. I already felt weird being at the hospital, but I held it together until we entered the X-ray room. The nurse asked me a question and I couldn’t answer.   All I could think about were my daily trips to the X-ray room trying to lay flat on a cold, metal table that they had to make vertical, and then inch it down to be horizontal. It was so painful. I didn’t cry while at the hospital with my family, but I was very quiet. I knew at that moment, I wasn’t the same. 

I prayed about it. Eventually, I saught a therapist to help me process everything. I had been dealing with PTSD and it was time that I confront it somehow. Other events in my life were triggering moments where I found myself not as happy as I wanted.

Seeing a therapist really helped. During this time, I also came up with a plan to get my creativity back.  When it came, it flowed like a river. It felt good.

Out of the darkness, I birthed my spiritual baby I call Blooming August.  The process of healing spilled beyond the physical. Through professional help and my own personal development, I revived my passion to create – through art and food – and the healing began. Blooming August is a testament of that.

There are a host of painful memories that still come to mind, but I’m in a much better place now. Expressing my creativity and pursuing my passions has helped me to be at peace with my story. My story is now my fuel to keep going.  Right now is always the best time to do what I love. 

Don’t wait to live out your dreams.  Your time is now! 

 

Peace and Love! 

Yasmin